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@Regrann from @lindseyhallwrites - Having one of those nights where I have to sit here at my kitchen table, and remind myself that god damnit, it's not "back fat" you're worried about - it's the NEDA speech you're giving on Sunday. • It's not your lack of working out this week - it's the expectation that you would, and didn't. • It's not that I ate Qdoba for lunch and - OH CHRIST - the calories from a salad bowl (😱)it's that my ex read my blog the other day and was hurt. And now I've sat here the past 48 hours trying to reconcile the pain I've caused for my misguided - at times -interpretations. I'm dealing with guilt and a facepalm to my own face. • This is what's going on in real life - not eating disorder land. At the end of the day, it's not the shape of my body I'm concerned about right now, but it feels that way - and that's a hard tick to navigate. • It's a battle to be present instead of avoidant. • I don't like guilt and I don't deal with stress - avoiding it constantly with impulsive decisions and immediate gratification. • This is a truth about life in recovery: and it's great, yeah. This recovery shiz. • But, this is the flexible "okay" life you choose when you're in it - and what we ultimately learn is how and what to think about again - learning how to navigate our thoughts without the ED voice - and how to look at the multifaceted angles of our eating disorder, and stay on the outside of it instead of being hypnotized by the allure of its constant monologue inside our heads. • It's relearning how to think. It's learning how to live in that hazy grey of "flexible" okay - and truly exist in spite of it, feeling all the shit that comes along with it 💛 • #pcos #pcosawareness #recovery #recoveryisworthit #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #bopo #edfam #edawareness #eatingdisorderrecovery #bodypositivity #bodyposi #recoveryfam #denver #colorado #neda - #regrann

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We had a team brunch today and I ate so much food omfg I had 6 plates of pancakes 🥞 and tater tots 🍟 and chocolate chips 🍫 and 2 giant bagels with cream cheese and more!!! I was so full and I'm going to a really big invitational for cross country tomorrow (those in California probably know about it; it's called Dana Hills Nike Invitational) and I'm so nervous and I ate so much today 😩 I have to wake up at 4:50AM tomorrow so imma sleep now 😴 #brunch #pancakes #breakfast #bagel #recoverywin #fearfood

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TRIGGER WARNING: some #eatingdisorder talk ahead🛑 . 4 days of intuitive eating (recorded after a full day of eating) . . one of the hardest parts of recovery for me was learning to trust my body & my judgement with food. tracking easily became another obsession because without it I felt out of control and scared I would binge or restrict. I am almost 10 years into recovery and I’m happy to say that trust and intuition gets easier daily. but I won’t lie, you HAVE to not only work for it, you need to want it. recovery for me is a daily choice, as I know it is for many. I firmly believe it is possible for everyone & I believe in your ability to get there✨ I only track when I want to, not because I compulsively feel I have to. recovery is different for every one—I no longer find tracking to be a trigger & that is so freeing. . . now for some #keto comments (skip if that’s not your thing) as you can 👀1. I am completely on target with macros while being intuitive. 2. I’m pretty low carb & there’s 2 days in there where I am extremely low. so let’s talk about that because I have said many times 30g is what makes your brain happy. let’s delve deeper. lately my body has been wanting more fruits & veggies (for about a month ish) this past week that stopped; I haven’t wanted carbs at all. I haven’t been training as hard as usual/haven’t worked out in 3 days. but, I know & trust that from eating higher carb for a month my body has enough glycogen stored to keep my brain happy. it’s not hurting for any glucose. I know because I can think straight, my sugar is stable, no agitation, steady energy etc. I do not stay extremely low carb at all times, for this week it worked. LISTEN to your body. do your research. speak to a professional etc. . find what works for you! . If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder please reach out for help! recovery is worth it. I am happy to point you in the direction of resources✨ . . #nutritionaltherapy #nutrition #ketodiet #ketosis #nutrientdense #ketofam #mindbodysoul #holistic #edrecovery #edwarrior #intuitiveeating #healthcoach #macros #pcos #lowcarb #lowcarbhighfat #NEDA #brainhealth #livewellrae

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I needed this and I feel like a lot of you do too

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‼️‼️ATTENTION: it is ok to say it's too much ‼️‼️ It's okay to cut back on responsibilities because you're overwhelmed. It's okay to be overwhelmed. It's okay to take mental health days. It's okay to feel lost and alone and scared about the future. . • I'm learning how to be okay with taking a step back. Even when it means disappointing people. I'm realizing that working close to full time while taking classes full time and volunteering isn't sustainable. And cutting back on work is scary and hard for me and challenges my core beliefs. I've done a lot of work lately challenging those core beliefs that contributed to my ed, anxiety, self worth, and depression. • Deciding to cut back does not mean failure. Recognizing when responsibilities are too much does not mean I'm giving up. It means I'm looking after myself. . • Because I am worth every penny of "missed work" 💯💯💯

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#authenticitypost sometimes you just have a rlly bad headache. and sometimes it's so bad you tear up. sometimes you just sit in a chair in the dark under a fan because it hurts too much to do anything else. and sometimes it's ok to complain if you're in pain. ••• most of the time I forget ab my brain malformation and my surgeries. but sometimes when it hurts I remember. that's ok. ••• physical pain is talked about more than emotional pain. but pain is pain is the opposite of feeling good. whichever type of pain, it's ok to complain sometimes. ••• nothing to do rn. waiting for tomorrow. thinking of all the brave ppl out there who go through worse pain every day.

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I'm making this post as a memoir of how much words can hurt and impact ones life. The two pictures in the top row is a picture of me during my awkward puberty middle school years. Chubby cheeks, socially awkward, and larger than most everyone else in my grade. During the duration of elementary school and middle school I was constantly taught that my body didn't fit the standards of everyone's approval, by family, peers, doctors, and even "friends". The words and names people have said to me have stuck to my soul and brain for TWELVE years. "You would be pretty if you lost some weight", "you're an elephant, you're fat, do you really need two of those? You need to go on a diet, you don't deserve to eat, suck it in, etc. etc. During the duration (I still struggle with it) of my eating disorder I constantly told myself those things every day. The picture in the middle is a picture of me after damaging my body for eight years, because of simply not feeling good enough and to everyone's standard. I had taught myself I had to deserve food, I wasn't allowed to enjoy it and that it was my worst enemy. The picture of me on the bottom left includes a very sick insecure hurting girl. A girl who would purge every time she ate, starve herself for days, take 10 diet pills and diuretics a day, and would spend hours in the gym. The girl in the middle saw herself as a 500 pound individual that truly believed she would never be good enough and that her life had no meaning. She was living everyday just to get to the next. Fast forward to the girl on the right. This is after months of hospitalization and treatment. Months of dealing with trauma work and learning to view my body differently and love it for the things it allows me to do. The other day I was struggling with body image and instantly started wishing I had my pre-recovered body back but I then realized how unhappy I was. The photo of the girl on the right might not have a huge thigh gap, her hip bones might not be showing as much and her stomach may not look the same as it did before. But the girl on the bottom right can now live a life of freedom and living as her. Learn to love your body for what it is even during

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You know those days when someone asks if you're ok and you want to say that the chemicals in my brain are probably unbalanced...as if that is normal to say

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